MOTIONLESS – based on a true story
Today started just like any other day. I was working at the Shareef Zamani hospital as an ER resident. In the morning I reached at 7:00 and started my shift in the ER. There were the usual cases of cuts and sprains, headaches, and acute pain. My phone rang and I looked at the number, my wife was calling. Usually, I don’t attend family calls at the hospital but as I was out on my tea break I took the call. On the other side of the phone, my wife stuttered “ Papa... Papa … is not moving properly and is calling for you, please come as soon as you can .” My father’s moan could be heard in the background.
Immediately I called the nearby ambulance right away directing it towards my house and rushed to my car and took off for home, but when I reached the main road I realized it was 5:30 at the moment, the peak rush hour. And that sense of panic rushed through me. When I met my father for breakfast today he looked fresh and was smiling. l remember he was joyfully playing with the kids. There wasn’t the slightest of doubt that he was unwell. But now suddenly he is in excruciating pain.
I was constantly with my wife on the phone who was updating me of my father’s condition, while I was trying all my might to move my car as fast as possible. My wife also called up some of our neighbors, also one who was a physician. Sometime later the ambulance paramedic also called to tell me that they weren’t able to reach my father till now because they were also stuck in the traffic. Dealing with patients with emergencies was what I did every day, but right now my face was dripping with sweat and my heart was beating so hard I could hear it over the loud rush hour traffic.
My wife told me that my father had closed his eyes and stopped screaming, and there was froth coming out of his mouth. I just neared home seeing a lot of my neighbors and a few family members who lived near assembled outside my house. Leaving my car in the middle of the road I frantically ran into my house and saw my father motionless with a grin on his face as if he was having a peaceful sleep. I jumped on and started giving him CPR. His chest heaved. Desperately, I started to give chest compressions, getting anxious every passing second. This was my father, the one I had spent my life with, the one I loved more than anyone in this world. But even though my heart wanted him to live, the forces of nature had claimed him to be theirs. I stepped back, gasping for air, for the first time aware that there were people around me. To them, he was at peace, but to me, it was just his face that I was looking at, the person I had loved had left me.
Maybe it was his time to go. Maybe! But knowing that I had all the capability to perform CPR to save him I wasn't there for him. That guilt could never be erased, never in a million years… his death was on my conscience.
Rafay Shahab Ansari, MBBS